2019 the year that changed our life, family and priorities.

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

How a  year can change your life

I started 2019 with clear direction, I knew exactly where I was going, I was going to make a difference. I was starting my final semester at university to become the most amazing teacher. I wanted to engage boys who the school system is failing, make a classroom where all kids could find their place to succeed. I spent my final semester with the most amazing practicum teacher I could have asked for. She was everything I did not want to be, she gave grade one students quizzes, homework and ‘worksheets’. I spent these four months with her developing in ways that I did not know was possible. I began to see the value in traditional education and why the balance was so important to every student. I was so excited to make a difference, get into my classroom and inspire 25 kids at a time! I was ready to move mountains.

This did not happen, I barely made it to my convocation a mere five weeks post semester.

The week school ended, I got a call that my grandfather was not doing well. He took a quick turn for the worse. He was driving, supporting my grandma, looking after everything then all of a sudden he was admitted to the hospital. This was the end, who knew, so fast. Fortunately, I was able to get there when I did, I held his hand and thanked him for all he had taught me. He lead by example, he lived with passion, focus, and determination. It was the next night he passed away. I was there for my grandma, stayed home with her while my mom and her siblings went to the hospital. I got to hug her, hold her and feel the love that was between the two of them for 72 years.

I arrived home, recharged to live life, simply enjoy each moment and refine what was important in our life. I started to apply for jobs, started reading professional development, I was ready. However, we had one more family situation to get through first, not big, but big for us, our littlest boy had to have quick day surgery. Though I knew this was minor he is still my baby. He had to go under complete anesthetic, then a long week of recovery. He came through the surgery and healed like a champ!

Three days later I got an interview with the public bored, that is the only place I wanted to work, I was all prepared and rocked it! Life is good, living every day thinking I am now ready to start this next chapter. The interview is done, convocation in the next few weeks, summer is coming. We had all our summer vacation planned out, road trips, camping, swimming lessons, running through the sprinkler and enjoying the hot summer sun. My kids are a perfect age, no more diapers, strollers, naps, this was going to be the best summer yet!

Little did I know, my life would change.

I sent my kids to school, got on the treadmill, trying to get in shape. I wanted to be healthy, active and have the energy to keep up with my family. I was on the treadmill for 4 minutes and new I was going to faint. I got off, fainted and woke up on the basement floor, on my own. This was a weird sensation. I phoned my husband, joked about how unhealthy I was and we needed to buckle down. The next morning a great friend of mine asked to go for a walk after we dropped our kids off. I let her know what happened the day before but thought that was a one-time thing. We made it out of the school field and I fainted again, she said it was not a normal faint. A neighbour found us on the road, drove us home, I was still not feeling well, she phoned 911. The ambulance came, how embarrassing. I live in an area where many people stay home, work from home or work different schedules. I was mortified that everyone saw the ambulance at our house, it made me feel raw, self-conscious. What were people thinking? I was thinking all they thought about was my weight, how unhealthy I was. I realize now how many unhealthy thoughts I had of myself and how I believed all people saw me. Away I go in the ambulance.

I was admitted to the hospital for a few days, tons of tests but they found no reason for my fainting, only that my EKG was a little bit off for a 38-year-old, so I stayed one more night. That morning I woke up, Thursday morning, I opened my eyes, had two old men at the end of my bed talking about the weather, politics and the health care system. It took me back to the early ’90s, Grumpy Old Men. I smiled at the two of them, said good morning and we started our day. These two wondered why I was there, as did I, but they helped my hospital stay, we had lots of good laughs. Too many people in that ward are too sick, living their final days and most 40 years older than I am. It can be a hard place to be. Getting ready for my last test, I walked to the nursing station to get a face cloth, it was here that my life changed.

I knew I was going to faint, I let the nurses know and down I went. I did not know that this would change my life. Down I went. This was no ordinary faint, no dreams, no feelings at all. I came to for a moment and there were people all around me, telling me to keep my eyes open, to talk to them and focus on one thing. I could not, I could feel the world spinning and getting farther and farther away, back to darkness. Finally, I woke up, on the floor at the nursing station; doctors, nurses, too many people to know how they were all helping me. The first words I heard were ‘you are the proud new owner of a pacemaker’, I was in shock. The next phrase I heard was ‘you can cross code blue off your bucket list’, I am now confused. What’s happening, where am I and what did this all mean.

I survived, I survived a code blue, 38 years old, no prior history of anything! I was immediately moved to a high observation ward, where I had nurses watching my heart continuously, I could not even go pee on my own. What was happening! I had convocation in one week and was about to start the next chapter of my life. I did not know what this meant for many months, and I am still processing it all. I was told I had gone into complete heart block and that I was going to get a pacemaker the next morning.

What a birthday for my sister, this all happened on her birthday! The next morning I go for surgery, got my pacemaker, but still no reason why this is all happening. Still in disbelief. I get out of surgery, all seems to be well, I still have a little chest pain but am told it is from being in a hospital bed. I am now in recovery mode, getting ready to be discharged and browsing my phone. I check my email one more time and guess what I GOT THE JOB! On the day of my heart surgery, I get an email to say I got accepted to work for the bored that I have been dreaming of working for for the last two years. Things are still going to work out, I am determined. Convection is only a week away, this is still all happening. I am determined I worked too hard for two years to not cross that stage and follow my passion.

Convocation day came one-week post heart surgery. I can barely walk from the sidewalk into the University, how am I going to walk, stand in line, get my cap and gown, my degree, walk-in procession to cross the stage. This is all a bit too much; I have to ask for help. I sit down, get my husband and someone from our faculty to go around and get what I need. I do not get to stand in line with everyone or sit with the rest of my class, but I do get to walk up and cross that stage! When I started this journey I wanted my kids to see their mom go back to University, follow her passion, what was going to make me happy and stick with it, follow through – I did just that! One week post code blue, getting a pacemaker, I did it, not how I thought, but I did it!

Life is still going, I am not going to let this stop me, bring summer on and enjoy life. I spent the next few months pretending that nothing major happened. We got in the car, drove to Manitoba to see my parents and celebrate Canada Day, how we always do it. Nothing is different. While in Manitoba playing at the pool, two provinces away, I meet the assistant principal of one of our High Schools here in Calgary. We get talking, she offers me a job WOW! I get to take all that I have been studying and learning, my excitement and joy and implement it into a classroom and influence 120 students per semester. What a gift I have been given. Life is unstoppable. On cloud nine we get home, pack up for the next road trip, load up the camper and head to Yellowstone National Park for a week. This trip was so great we extended it a few more days and added a few thousand more kilometers, we went to Mount Rushmore and toured through Sturgis. This is life – taking it day by day and having no plan.

Still not feeling 100%, I am ignoring it the best I can, enjoying our summer and looking forward to September. When we get home from all our summer adventures I have to go for my post pacemaker check-up. This pacemaker was a backup plan if I went into complete block again, no big deal. I get all hooked up, read the screen, 100% paced! My jaw drops, my heart sinks, this isn’t what I signed up for. There was no reason for my heart block, it was a blip in my life and I was getting ready to start new adventures in a few short weeks. What did this all mean, what was happening? Still, no one has any answers and no one cares to know the answers. Life happens. I left the appointment feeling empty inside, starting to wonder what exactly is going on, why is this happening. I started to stop ignoring all the little things that I am feeling, but September is coming, my new job and all that I have been working so hard for the last two years for so I am not taking it to serious yet.

School starts, I start my new job. I am full of excitement, passion, I am going to make a difference. I am not going to stand and lecture, I am going to get those kids engaged and prove to others that there is a different way. I am going to ask questions, have projects, get them thinking. This is fun, lively, all that I had been waiting for, except for one thing… every day I stood there I felt like the room was spinning, my heart hurt. I tried to ignore it, chalk it up to anxiety, being overwhelmed, taking on a little more than I should have, having too high of expectations. I fought hard, until one day I could not. My blood pressure was through the roof, my pulse was all over the place and I didn’t feel good. I finally went to the emergency room. Yet again all looked good, got what I was expecting ‘you have anxiety, take a little white pill and life will be good’. They are the experts, I started Cipralex, I was going to do this. The next week was not any better, it was getting harder to stand in front of the students with my heart racing, head spinning and faking what I was doing. I knew what I needed to do, but did not want to do it. I phoned my sister, the teacher I always wanted to be and cried and cried. I knew I needed to step back but I felt like it was because I could not do it. I had anxiety, I was not strong enough, capable enough, this is how I felt, back to all the negative self-talk. Why was I not able to do this, my heart is fine, all the tests are normal, this is all in my head. I left, I walked away, I knew something wasn’t right, I could not sustain this.

I had only been at home resting for a week and a two-week teaching contract landed in my lap. I can do this, it is two weeks, get back into. I rationalized it, maybe it was high school, all the planning, this will be easier, I thought. Easier it was, but healthy I was not. I had a cold, a cough that would not go away, it is cold and flu season, I pushed through. I met so many amazing students and built relationships that I had no idea you could do in a few short weeks. This is what I was wanting, this feeling of pure joy, making a difference and helping to brighten the day for a few kids. It makes my heart happy. After this contract, I got a sub job in the same school, went into the classroom, the day went well I had 1 hour left and my heart gave out. The same feelings that I had while teaching high school, I was going to faint. Here I was in a strange classroom, no one knows my health history and I was not able to fight through it. What was going on…

Back to the pacemaker clinic, the doctors again all making me believe this was anxiety and questioning did this happen? They threatened to take away my license, they did for a week, were they thinking I was faking this! I have worked my tail off for two years, got a dream job and was making this all up. The self-doubts started to creep in, was this all in my head. I was being overdramatic. This is how they make you feel as all the ‘tests’ come back normal. Finally, one of the nurses asked about a test I was supposed to have, a PET scan, maybe this would help. It had been forgotten about, she reordered this test and scheduled it for 2 months from now.

Over these two months, I took some sub jobs, but I still had this cough that would not go away and dizzy spells that would come on for no reason. I had stopped telling anyone and kept this all to myself. I had been told and was convinced that it was all in my head, caused by anxiety. Finally, the day came for my PET scan, not knowing what to expect I followed the instructions perfectly and headed to the Foothills. After the test, I did not know what to think but I knew I had a follow-up appointment already booked. I had a follow up with the Pacemaker clinic and heard the words Sarcoidosis…say what? I have not heard anything, what is this Sarcoid thing? The nurses would not say anymore, so I phoned my husband, he googled it, not good, so I drove to my doctors’ office. I asked for an emergency appointment, could she help me understand what all this means. The diagnosis came, I had sarcoid granules in the septum of my heart, my lungs, lymph nodes and now she was wondering if it was also in my skin and eyes. This was devastating. What did this all mean? When you google this, life expectancy is not great. She did not know much more as she has never had a patient with sarcoid in the heart. This was the beginning of December, what a way to start the most magical season of the year. I called the cardiologist and they wanted to see me the next morning. This was all happening too fast, I did not know what was going on. Usually, when things happen fast in the medical field it is not a good thing. I was not getting answers to the tough questions I was looking for. Was I going to live for 1 year or 40 years? Am I going to need a heart transplant? A lung transplant? The cardiologist started me on 40mg of prednisone that day and set up a few appointments. I went for a biopsy of the lung and lymph node tissues the next week and got an appointment to see a Heart Failure specialist next month.

2019 I was on a mission to change this world one amazing child at a time and fill the world with love. Who knew how fast that would change. I ended with a diagnosis and a path forward, it has filled me with a drive to do better. Do better for my family, where we get our food from, live a life with less stuff and a clearer mind. 2020 will be our family’s year to prioritize our story, share the past and pave our future, the way we want to.

Life changes fast, love your family, Live Simply.